your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
