just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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