She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
