I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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