Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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