I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
