yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
