I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
