I am puke
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
