When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
There are leaves in my underwear?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
