WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
