I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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