Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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