I wish I could teleport
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
