My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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