ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
