I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
