Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
