If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Come share oat with me in your robe
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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