Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
