you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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