I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
