New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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