ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
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