i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
