I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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