Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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