Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
