What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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