He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
