I think i peed on brittanys purse
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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