I can text with my tongue
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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