So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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