She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
