the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
