I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
