I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
