Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
