god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
