I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
