I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
