if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
