He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
