I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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