I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
