hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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