apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
