I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
