Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
