Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He felt like a one man threesome
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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